The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
