We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
