Your mouth is God's brothel.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
