wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
a search helicopter?!
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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