He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
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