Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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