I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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