chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
false alarm, still single
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
