There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
