My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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