Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
