There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
