if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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