Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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