My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
