You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
