you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
