Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
