Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
