I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
she smelled like a LAN party
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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