Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I want her autograph on my taint
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
