Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
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