We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I look better un-naked...
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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