there's paper in my vomit.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
