I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
