i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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