You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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