Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
