Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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