Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
