Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
