I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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