Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
