i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
