I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I understand Curling. That high.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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