Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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