jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
