Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You're breaking my sexual little heart
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