Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
