I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
my liver is dry heaving
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
