he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
But I just had this pork p�t�. It was dick grabbing.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
