i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
