Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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