Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
