Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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