and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
