Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
