I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
