Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
