you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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