Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
