Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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