this boner is exhausting
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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