i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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