Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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