Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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