he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
